How I Dealt with Grief

Sitting in the waiting area of a doctor’s office can be torture. I was not caught off guard for the upcoming news. Liz and I knew what was likely to take place.

I am so thankful that I was taught the message of Job and the principle of James 1:2-3. Instead of learning these lessons personally, I can experience the outcome understanding fully what God is trying to do.

In other words, I wasn’t asking the dreaded question “Why, God?” I was asking Him “What, God? What do you want me to learn from this?”

It goes without saying that I am fully aware that I do not have the mental capacity to understand the full plan of God. This one experience could have a great number of purposes. So far there are two that stick out in my mind: 1) the obvious that I am in the ministry and can now sympathize with those who I minister to that experience such a loss & 2) I preach and speak about the “peace of God that passes understanding” but I have never experienced it to the extent that I am right now. And let me personally say that the peace of God is truly beyond comprehension, especially in times of sorrow. It is that comforting.

I wasn’t able to be with Liz when she got the bad news. I don’t know what was worse – the news itself or not being with my wife to comfort her when she learned.

Ironically enough, I was on the internet only a few days before looking up the five stages of grief: 1) denial, 2) anger, 3) bargaining, 4) depression, & 5) acceptance. Since there were already signs and symptoms, I started the process before I got the official doctor’s report. I was in denial telling Liz and myself that such symptoms that she was experiencing were common (all under the guise of optimism). Truth of the matter is, some of her symptoms were common in pregnancy. But I would not let myself admit what seemed very possible.

The next stage is anger. Honestly, I felt none. Who am I going to be mad at? Me? Liz? GOD? No Way! I told you I had already learned the lessons taught in Job.

I did experience bargaining. Without going in to details, I can recall conversations between myself and God where I was “wheelin’ and dealin’” with God. So I guess there are still some lessons to learn from Job. Actually, these lessons are learned, they just need to be applied more consistently.

Depression never came. There is a time for mourning (cf. Ecc 3:4), but I don’t believe mourning is the same as depression. I haven’t cried like this in a while. It didn’t help that the surprise gift I had for Liz came in the mail right after we got back from the doctor’s office (it was an infant sized Detroit Red Wings jersey, how cute!). I called my wife’s mom, my dad, and a deacon in my church. That covered the bases. Each time, I lost it.

The nurse came to get me. I didn’t know anything until she said that my wife was crying and needed a shoulder. I didn’t even get a chance to brace myself.

I guess that leaves me with acceptance. This wasn’t hard to do. I have fully accepted my situation. I have fully accepted that God is in control of my situation. I have fully accepted that I don't have to understand the reasons for this. My prayer was always that God would be glorified by this child HOWEVER He saw fit. I have fully accepted that my prayer is being answered even as I write this.

I am currently contemplating if I even have a point or a challenge to accompany this article. Or this could be a muse that I just needed to get off my chest. Either way, I feel led to repeat two verses that fully communicate what I am feeling (and what I hope you will feel when you encounter grief).

Job 1:21 – “…The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”

& my life verse (because this verse sums up how a Christian should live in all situations of life)

John 3:30 – “He [Jesus] must increase, but I must decrease.”

Thank you, Lord, for letting me endure such a trial. Be glorified with me and my actions.

I got to the room where Liz was examined. She was crying. I embraced her in the most comforting hug I knew how to give. We had lost our unborn baby.
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Tim